just try

i'm tired of the detailed focus i need to put in. of how i am supposed to feel or how people feel. i'd tell people hey you're awesome, and they would say, 'yeah, but...' i don't like buts. we all have negativity, reaching out is fine but spreading it is a different story. i think we should all just be awesome or feel awesome cos life's too short to not feel awesome.

think about it, one day you'll be old with millions of regrets. wouldn't it be better if you just tried to be awesome at a younger age? i dont need complexity, words upon words, a maze every single time. i am over that. you want it go get it you feel it just say it you love it fight for it. and i respect those kind of people. people who fight for what they want.

we were never fed with a silver spoon, we had rumbles and we bleed. we have resentments and memories unable to be consumed by the mental shredder. so what? everybody does.

we just need to take snippets of that and live our lives. and i respect those kind of people too. people who push-through and just try to live their lives.

a place in the sun where my father awaits

everybody should listen to DeVotchka once in a while. with a bottle in hand or a cup of coffee and how much of a prude you are decides that.

and then maybe we can get into the car and wind down the windows feel that breeze on our skin. we could get on that bike and stroll finally to that lake just because. we could run even, on these legs carrying nothing but a few dollars. and guess what? we wouldn't have to explain to anyone. not even ourselves.

see, the world over analyzes everything to the micro second. and i am not here to do that. i know it is there and it is moving ever so fast but i run away even from that. because you need to realize that the world is more than what happened over the weekend.. what happened few days, few weeks, months ago?

how the world is-scrutinizing the details-made us this way. it caused you to be stuck and caught up and lost in the transitions, of what matters and what does not. at this instant, it only hurts because the focus is blurred. from what is important.

so listen to this, feel it, try to understand and relate. take a step back and review. what you have is good and enough trust me. because at the same time i am telling you i am telling myself. re-telling myself.

it hurts only now.

http://youtu.be/Pfi1UQ_PKQI

inhale

it was not a door. it was that line. intonation, and voice. it is the expression i cannot see. i have nothing to lose so i am pushing my hardest to the very limit and by limit let me tell you i do not know where it is positioned. around the corner by that horizon i cant purely say. maybe i need that rock-bottom. i need to bleed lying down on some concrete. then i scrape and i crawl and i titter... walk... run again fast as possible. i heal while i run, trip then titter, repeat. repeat, repeat.

meanwhile i'll just laugh every single moment saying this is good i am good i am okay. push every thought away with nonsense i make it up in my mind fast reeling non-stop.

i have been here before. it all seems familiar. but i have more conscience than i did before because i grew from back then. and met people that changed my life somehow, made me learn somehow, and i lost someone so dear to me he's in heaven and i learn from that too. there are pros and cons but life is what you make it.

though it is a blur i do believe i will be alright, i will find the way. i just need to continue running. if not harder.

round infinity, again

I forgot what its like, to write when in sorrows. wish I wont start again but feel like this is just the beginning. here am, back to square one. After every single time would tell myself, ain just focus. on yourself this time, what do you want? Why don't you go find out what you want?

And I would always fall, for men they are my weakness though it may seem like the opposite.

I end up staring at the ceiling again, zombified and torned. with no one else to blame but myself. I can't beat karma she's a strong bitch I know that cos I tried to pick a fight with her last time and I got bloodied up so well. so I am cutting this short though I know she's just waiting for the right time for a strike. can't say I am prepared but if get slapped now at least I know more or less how long it will stay across my face

gone.

i wonder, would these fingers be able to tappity tap backspace re-tappity tap, if it weren't for the knots in my stomach. for the mess in my head. i ought to have done a spring clean 3 springs ago but i keep telling myself its alright, it will clean by itself.

in my head i am surrounded by mountains of piled up garbage and there seems to be no open way to walk around without the risk of getting hit by dirty resentment. i face that heat, with myself to blame.

isn't it cliched to ask, "what is happiness?" but i ask myself that at the end of every day. and i stumble every time i have to answer.

i look back at the years and i find myself missing the person i used to be; troubled, brave, nothing-in-the-world-can-stop-me attitude. there were a lot of cuts and bruises along the way but i was independent and free. i knew i could survive on my own cause i had to.


i look at myself in the mirror now and i don't know what i am looking at.


i lost all traces.

in a sea of limbs

siling kosong memang sesuai untuk di buat latar belakang slide show.

i am the projector. and these memories become the film.

i rewind the happy-bad endings and replay them at its snippets. let it slide away until i lose myself into the surreal. when i was a kid i used to cycle to the playground and climb the monkey bars. upside down and blood rushing to my face. i smile to my brother looking at me from the other side, him upside down too.

we had our good we had our bad i guess childhood are meant to be precious but at the same time kind of suck in a way. like those times when you are inevitably alone, or when our framed family picture was smashed to pieces that night.

we try i think, to do what we can. because families do that. i would like to think so.

nowadays i like that chance of alone time. i get to watch bodies rushing and moving. I play this ridiculous game i play with myself. i calculate in my head, variable being my intuition, where exactly to look at at a given point of time.

to maybe catch a glimpse of your face then dissapearing in that bustling crowd.

maybe.

mama oh mama

pagi tadi aku turun dgn muka yang separuh bangun dari mimpi. dengan berfesyen seluar bunga bunga dan baju baby blue striking (ewww so not my colour) aku ke dapur mencari nasi lemak hari ahad. my mom she said to me nah makan mama dah beli. thanks ma lalu buat kopi and pegi kerusi urut depan tv. sebelum suapan pertama she said to me, meh sini jap mama nak discuss something. apekehe pulak nya nih.

ni mama nak buat tv room, guest room, dining hall, bilik maid ngan dapur kasi extend ada garden2 so makan semua ada view the garden ala2 english style.

aku---> O_O

mama--> ^_^ boleh tak?

aku--> #+_+?!! biar benar??

mama --> ^_^ v yelaaa.. peaceee!


suka hati mama la... as long as you are happy..