dilapidated, on the go.

but I am blinded.

2012-02-07T04:38:00.000-08:00

I have myself and only myself to blame

for seeking you in every passing person.

seeking you abah.

sakit.

2012-01-30T16:43:00.000-08:00

pagi tadi bangun dengan nafas tercungap. dalam hati berkata, 'ah masih hari yang sama. seperti semalam dan semalamnya dan seterusnya..' seperti ada batu di atas dada, seperti badan tidak cukup lebar untuk tarikan angin.

sampai bila aku perlu begini.

tahun lama tahun baru

2012-01-04T11:17:00.000-08:00

kaki bergegas. peluh merintih di hujung dahi. mulut tercungap dan tangan tergenggam.

minggu lepas boss dia bagi sampul surat warna kuning. selalunya bonus akhir tahun dalam sampul putih, tapi kenapa dia nak kisah sekarang.. 3 minggu makan megi dapat bonus boleh makan chicken chop!

ada cerita untuk di cerita! ada ada! tapi pencerita perlu tutup mata dahulu. selamat malam!

fire land water

2011-12-27T21:50:00.000-08:00

my feet. it was sinking into soft substance. a calming sensation. I open my eyes and look down, it was sand covering partially my trembling toes. there is a spark in the corner, turning around was the majestic sun setting. bewildered I am alone.

An island crossing over to night, what unfortunate time I have come to realized! And I scrambled ever so slowly to search for a living thing, in search of a sign.

I dug my feet in these sand hills climbing can't tell if its the right way or a way to start with. My thoughts spiralling with my intuition to survive. questions of logic takes a lower priority. though it takes a stabbing in the head not knowing how, why I got here.

At the top of the crumbling hill, managed to take in a gasp of air. My face drenched in cold sweat. Overlooking the endless sea in front, the trees behind me, I am at loss.

I walk, trying to accept this fate, trying to rationalize. Stumbling upon your clothes lying on the far end of the hill my heart drops and I draw a breath of relief. I sat next to that pile of yours, eventually lay down.. And watch the night take over the day.. The stars swtiching on.

I know. I will wake up soon.

jauh.

2011-12-19T05:08:00.000-08:00

aku tersedar bila aku rasa angin. aku bersandar dan terjatuh ke dalam ruang tanpa henti ini. dan mata aku tutup seeratnya jika bukak takut akan apa yang bakal terlihat. jadi aku jatuh berterusan sambilnya badan menghala ke langit, temannya deru angin yang meluru di antara kekosongan.

di mana?! dan ke mana?! jerit minda kerana mulut juga dicengkam kuat, tiada nama untuk dipanggil, tiada nama yang terlintas.

dan bila sampainya ke tanah aku tak teragak. kerana tiadanya aku terjelepok dan melantun dari batuan keliling. aku diangkat angin deru dan yang tercapai dahulu adalah tapak kaki, lembut.

mata. perlahan dibuka. hati. berdebar hentaknya. lantas cahaya yang menyilau terang menerpa laju. apa?! tangan menangkas dan menghalang lalu mata terkebil dalam jutaan saat, pedih. dari kerlingan ada bayang. siapa?! bibir berbicara suara terlontar sedikit kerana kering dan ketakutan. siapa kau! apa yang kau mahu?! kenapa aku disini!

'tak perlu takut'

dia bilang aku. dengan suara yang terlalu aku kenal. jantung ibarat jatuh dan berkata padanya..'ulang sekali lagi.. ulang semula'

dan dia bilang, 'tak perlu takut'

kali ini aku benar terhentak di atas lutut yang terlantun mencecah tanah. dan berderai terus aku faham keadaan yang melanda itu. walau hati berbisik bayang itu mengerti dan dia bilang lagi.

'tak apa.. semua ini akan hilang dan tenggelam. kita perlu jatuh untuk bangkit lebih tinggi. jadi kau hiduplah dan kau cuba imbangi diri. tapi jika kau tersadung dan tercela, tidak mengapa..Tuhan maha kuasa. percaya kerana aku sudah lalu semua yang kau lalui'

adakah aku berimaginasi, atau benar bayang itu makin hilang?

'sekejap! lantaskan ucap apa betul jalan yang aku pilih ini? bagaimana hendakku tahu aku tidak dilaknat, ada kala aku rasa aku betul adakala aku hilang dan adakala aku terlalu marah dengan diri yang teramat sesatnya..' dan tangisan yang berulit tanah..

hanya suara yang bergema hingga ke saat ini ia menari di hujung telinga.

'wahai anakku, hiduplah. sekuat mungkin, sebaik mungkin seperti tiadanya esok. dan ingatlah Tuhan sentiasa mengetahui yang tersimpan dan yang ternyata. Tuhan yang mencipta matahari di mana tidaklah ia mungkin mendapatkan bulan. Dan malam pula tidak mungkin dapat mendahului siang. Maka Maha Kuasa Tuhan yang meletakkan kedua-dua dalam peredarannya...Hiduplah dan Ingatlah..'

gema akhiran dan aku tercelik, terduduk, bermandi peluh. pukul 3.04 pagi dan perlahan memandang lampu kecil di sudut meja, malap dan sunyi. ada kala aku hilang di khalayak ramai kerana aku tidak mengerti mengapa kita disini. tapi bila aku terpanggil dan disentuh walau hanya di dalam mimpi, aku rasa seperti sudah belajar suatu ilmu yang tiada guru disekolah dapat tunjuk ajar. al fatihah 3 kali buat ayahanda tangis kecil dan sambung tidur untuk terus hidup keesokan harinya.

perjalanan kita masih jauh.

wide awake drowsy

2011-12-06T10:52:00.000-08:00

this is weirdest one yet. Took some meds for this cough a while ago fell asleep shaken by spasms every now and then. blinked and the movie still whirring. I can't fill in the plot there is too much going on.. what time is it, just a little too late. like how I misplaced what a great day today was. how memorable it should have been.

True enough only i know it, true enough there is just me going through my motions.

I am a risk taker and I follow my heart. I let my dreams take precedence then let my brain think of the logic and how it would work out in the end. I am free-spirited, unbounded, limitless.

Does it scare you? don't worry.. it's just the meds the pills the drugs. these flu and cough syrup..

Wide awake drowsy now that is a first.

just try

2011-12-06T06:56:00.000-08:00

i'm tired of the detailed focus i need to put in. of how i am supposed to feel or how people feel. i'd tell people hey you're awesome, and they would say, 'yeah, but...' i don't like buts. we all have negativity, reaching out is fine but spreading it is a different story. i think we should all just be awesome or feel awesome cos life's too short to not feel awesome.

think about it, one day you'll be old with millions of regrets. wouldn't it be better if you just tried to be awesome at a younger age? i dont need complexity, words upon words, a maze every single time. i am over that. you want it go get it you feel it just say it you love it fight for it. and i respect those kind of people. people who fight for what they want.

we were never fed with a silver spoon, we had rumbles and we bleed. we have resentments and memories unable to be consumed by the mental shredder. so what? everybody does.

we just need to take snippets of that and live our lives. and i respect those kind of people too. people who push-through and just try to live their lives.

a place in the sun where my father awaits

2011-11-27T06:53:00.000-08:00

everybody should listen to DeVotchka once in a while. with a bottle in hand or a cup of coffee and how much of a prude you are decides that.

and then maybe we can get into the car and wind down the windows feel that breeze on our skin. we could get on that bike and stroll finally to that lake just because. we could run even, on these legs carrying nothing but a few dollars. and guess what? we wouldn't have to explain to anyone. not even ourselves.

see, the world over analyzes everything to the micro second. and i am not here to do that. i know it is there and it is moving ever so fast but i run away even from that. because you need to realize that the world is more than what happened over the weekend.. what happened few days, few weeks, months ago?

how the world is-scrutinizing the details-made us this way. it caused you to be stuck and caught up and lost in the transitions, of what matters and what does not. at this instant, it only hurts because the focus is blurred. from what is important.

so listen to this, feel it, try to understand and relate. take a step back and review. what you have is good and enough trust me. because at the same time i am telling you i am telling myself. re-telling myself.

it hurts only now.

http://youtu.be/Pfi1UQ_PKQI

inhale

2011-11-16T11:31:00.000-08:00

it was not a door. it was that line. intonation, and voice. it is the expression i cannot see. i have nothing to lose so i am pushing my hardest to the very limit and by limit let me tell you i do not know where it is positioned. around the corner by that horizon i cant purely say. maybe i need that rock-bottom. i need to bleed lying down on some concrete. then i scrape and i crawl and i titter... walk... run again fast as possible. i heal while i run, trip then titter, repeat. repeat, repeat.

meanwhile i'll just laugh every single moment saying this is good i am good i am okay. push every thought away with nonsense i make it up in my mind fast reeling non-stop.

i have been here before. it all seems familiar. but i have more conscience than i did before because i grew from back then. and met people that changed my life somehow, made me learn somehow, and i lost someone so dear to me he's in heaven and i learn from that too. there are pros and cons but life is what you make it.

though it is a blur i do believe i will be alright, i will find the way. i just need to continue running. if not harder.

round infinity, again

2011-11-05T05:07:00.000-07:00

I forgot what its like, to write when in sorrows. wish I wont start again but feel like this is just the beginning. here am, back to square one. After every single time would tell myself, ain just focus. on yourself this time, what do you want? Why don't you go find out what you want?

And I would always fall, for men they are my weakness though it may seem like the opposite.

I end up staring at the ceiling again, zombified and torned. with no one else to blame but myself. I can't beat karma she's a strong bitch I know that cos I tried to pick a fight with her last time and I got bloodied up so well. so I am cutting this short though I know she's just waiting for the right time for a strike. can't say I am prepared but if get slapped now at least I know more or less how long it will stay across my face

gone.

2011-08-27T08:54:00.000-07:00

i wonder, would these fingers be able to tappity tap backspace re-tappity tap, if it weren't for the knots in my stomach. for the mess in my head. i ought to have done a spring clean 3 springs ago but i keep telling myself its alright, it will clean by itself.

in my head i am surrounded by mountains of piled up garbage and there seems to be no open way to walk around without the risk of getting hit by dirty resentment. i face that heat, with myself to blame.

isn't it cliched to ask, "what is happiness?" but i ask myself that at the end of every day. and i stumble every time i have to answer.

i look back at the years and i find myself missing the person i used to be; troubled, brave, nothing-in-the-world-can-stop-me attitude. there were a lot of cuts and bruises along the way but i was independent and free. i knew i could survive on my own cause i had to.

i look at myself in the mirror now and i don't know what i am looking at.

i lost all traces.

in a sea of limbs

2011-07-11T11:39:00.001-07:00

siling kosong memang sesuai untuk di buat latar belakang slide show.

i am the projector. and these memories become the film.

i rewind the happy-bad endings and replay them at its snippets. let it slide away until i lose myself into the surreal. when i was a kid i used to cycle to the playground and climb the monkey bars. upside down and blood rushing to my face. i smile to my brother looking at me from the other side, him upside down too.

we had our good we had our bad i guess childhood are meant to be precious but at the same time kind of suck in a way. like those times when you are inevitably alone, or when our framed family picture was smashed to pieces that night.

we try i think, to do what we can. because families do that. i would like to think so.

nowadays i like that chance of alone time. i get to watch bodies rushing and moving. I play this ridiculous game i play with myself. i calculate in my head, variable being my intuition, where exactly to look at at a given point of time.

to maybe catch a glimpse of your face then dissapearing in that bustling crowd.

maybe.

mama oh mama

2011-05-28T21:09:00.000-07:00

pagi tadi aku turun dgn muka yang separuh bangun dari mimpi. dengan berfesyen seluar bunga bunga dan baju baby blue striking (ewww so not my colour) aku ke dapur mencari nasi lemak hari ahad. my mom she said to me nah makan mama dah beli. thanks ma lalu buat kopi and pegi kerusi urut depan tv. sebelum suapan pertama she said to me, meh sini jap mama nak discuss something. apekehe pulak nya nih.

ni mama nak buat tv room, guest room, dining hall, bilik maid ngan dapur kasi extend ada garden2 so makan semua ada view the garden ala2 english style.

aku---> O_O

mama--> ^_^ boleh tak?

aku--> #+_+?!! biar benar??

mama --> ^_^ v yelaaa.. peaceee!

suka hati mama la... as long as you are happy..

sumpah aku

2011-05-17T11:33:00.000-07:00

sekali lagi.

tolonglah mata sila kau tertutup sampai esok. minda sila kau bayangkan mimpi aku dah tak larat lagi. kali ini sudah siri ke-berapa aku dah kering ketawa, esok tiada jumlah kopi magik dapat menggantikan masa.

sila sila sila kau tarik memori yang sedaya upaya aku tepiskan. jangan bagi dekat tempias pun tidak jangan berani hinggap. hei siling hentikan tayangan perdana, zaman silam hitam pahit untuk ditelan. aku hanya ingin tidur.

tidur tidur tidur sambil rindui dia aku pejam tertidur tidur tidur mimpi mungkin ini semua mimpi sahaja.

esok aku akan dengar tapak kaki di waktu subuh. sumpah aku akan bangun buka pintu sebelum kau kejutkan aku. dan kau akan senyum seperti tidak percaya.

aku lagi lagi lagi tak percaya abah. tapi kan bagus kalau berlaku? aku akan cakap pada kau. pukul lah ain sekarang, untuk setiap benda yang ain buat sakitkan hati abah. kalau pukul sampai hancur pun, tak cukup. tapi abah pukul lah. kan bagus kalau berlaku?

taknak t a h u

2011-05-11T09:20:00.000-07:00

kira-kira sepuluh minit jugak aku tenung skrin ni, berpinar mata.

pejam celik dah setahun kerja. aint it crazy? aku rasa macam baru lagi and masih terpinga bila bos tanya soalan. tapi ayat yang keluar dari mulut lebih lancar dari dulu. damn, i know shit. and it gives me this apprehension for knowing. like a catapult flinging me from one information to another.

kalau boleh, boleh tak aku tak nak tahu? lagi aku tau lagi berat kepala nak fikir nak jawab soalan. maaflah aku takde rasa nak tercenggang bila buat salah. mungkin sebab aku tak boleh nak kisah pasal your dollars when i should be looking for mine. after all, i'm only counting yours. who gives a shyt about counting, leave that job to the bank!

i roll around in bed on sundays thinking am i gonna make it?--then i stop myself short before i go to the finance issues--continue rolling around, more aggresively. to shake the thoughts away. perasaan mual dan kepala yang berputar macam lampu disko later, aku bangun and tengok diri dalam cermin bilik air--am i gonna make it??--which will lead me to brushing my teeth in purbakala-like motion while singing loudly at the same time.

most of the times i just fast forward to the image of me swimming in a mountain of cash though.

when i imagine this, i smile secretly like nenek creepy makan budak and gosok my hands together. heh heh heh..

bencih

2011-05-09T10:46:00.000-07:00

ah. aku malas nak berkarya. bersimpul-simpul kerawang manik mengulit bahasa. hari ni aku type sebab tak boleh nak tidur. took me a while to realize why so, doesnt help i have a massive report due tomorrow. aku terus terang disini, AKU BENCI ACCOUNTING SIAPA YANG INVENT MMG NAK KENA PUKUL. everyone's walking around like they have sumthing stuck up their you know where. so rigid. god forbid i will break these accounting guidelines! the deities of FRS akan meletakkan sumpah laknat keatasku kerana menyorokkan 30,000 yen! oh bagaimana??! being answerable for not putting everything into book. good book-keeping, yes how wonderous it is to read a book filled with numbers from start to finish. in the climax of the story, around 170,000 sgd was collected as result to who gives damn just book it so we get the cut.

aku paling benci sebab ini bukan aku. lari sini sana screaming what the hell did you book into my account atau why the heck is your report wrong again or feck me the cfo's looking for me... aku rasa macam tunggul kayu/batu konkrit accidentally made by a huge slip of cement. i couldnt care less about your books or numbers or these variances. it aint my revenue bro.

kalau boleh aku nak pakai topi besar, pakai shirt putih and short pants, main ukelele and duduk dalam hammock tepi beach. atau duduk tengah bandar invisibly snapping pictures of random people like its a crime. naik bas and pegi ipoh tiba-tiba, bila bosan balik.

seriously ini semua propaganda. idea career people yang diserap ke dalam otak remaja sangat membosankan. aku mangsanya. dan kesimpulannya, ia adalah cara yang sangat bosan dan sangat lembab membuat duit!!

denial///

2011-04-15T20:55:00.000-07:00

when i cry, i question is it the angel trying to remind me.. or the devil trying to weaken me. i get caught in between, not knowing what is the right expression. usually i would say, "be gone, devil!!" and continue what i do. but sometimes it scares me that it might be the angel relentlessly trying to convince, what i am doing is wrong.

i am in my bobble.

2011-04-13T10:12:00.000-07:00

when i get home, please be aware that i am in my protected bubble where all sounds become white noise so your efforts and energy are truly wasted:

this bubble allows me to see through and capture your expressions, but due to its thickness the movements are slow like a wedding slide show. snap snap snap, mind the spit please. i'd hate to polish this again.

the stairs feels like a lifetime, it holds too much weight, too much history from the pictures and places you have been. too much imagination this mind of mine, running wild reeling the wheel of time.

i sit on this bed, in this bubble it wont burst. until tomorrow when it does, then the mask i put till the end of work. which pleasantly, may i repeat to your noises, the lifetime of steps and my bed that provides my promised silence. 6 hours is ample time to over think, especially in a sound-proof bubble.

behold!

2011-04-13T09:51:00.000-07:00

this was a blank page. before, i typed t h e s e w o r d s into the blank-ness. it was empty, open to judgment and criticism, though not much was offered, it was a b-l-a-n-k page, why else would it be if i havent typed t h e s e w o r d s not literally on it. not literally how writers do, with typewriters going at it. i typed non literally but not of substance but simply for fun, hey! a non blank page. f u n f u n f u n.

cak cak cak cak!

2011-03-20T00:58:00.000-07:00

I remember i told myself i would watch the barong dance one day.

Bali's history revolves closely around mythical creatures and this particular dance tells the story of a fight between good and evil. typical? not when the hero and villain are both big and shaggy.

Throughout the show i was confused as to which is which, the heavy accented balinese dialogues allows me to pick up only certain words, "bisa, tolong, nyariin" simple stuff singing in and out of the script.

then there was the beautiful...

tanah lot.

almost everything is related to religion. the dances, the places, the food. twice a day offering is presented to 'bribe' the evil spirits from doing harm and in turn bring in the good. in front of every shoplot and in every cab, these offerings can be seen in its small green pandan leaves box.

inside are flowers, sweets, and sometimes even cigarettes as offerings. try not to step on it. after all, nobody likes it when you accidentally step on their daily religion activity taken seriously by over 80% of the majority believers.. thats just me assuming.

special offerings on special occasions

kechak dance.

the kechak dance was intense, vivid and intriguing. while the barong dance uses gamelan extensively, this one uses the sounds made by people. as usual, there was confusion trying to understand the heavy accent, so thank God for the simplified, summarized, tourist-friendly sypnosis presented to us on a paper so thin you cant even use it as a d.i.y fan (hooray!). you wonder where these people get their energy, with an hour long performance the voices, "cak! cak cak cak cak!" doesnt show any sign of exhaustion throughout the whole show.

i'd go again someday. there is a chaotic mess that actually makes sense, life is simple. its a galore for beautiful places, exotic cultures and not to mention faces. maybe next time around i'll be able to snap them more closely, revalidate the Bali i saw and miss ever so greatly now.

sleep.

2011-02-26T10:15:00.000-08:00

i have succumbed.
to this imaginary anti-gravity air that floats around my feet.
changing from a spectre to another by the second,
dazzling past the moments.
to this lightness in me,
circulating and cleansing the past.

it is as if i,
how ridiculous it might be and that i think the thought is,
am without any pain. what a laugh!
but then as though,
i never fell into this crack digging deeper instead of climbing,
never tried to look back up for a bit of hope,
a pair of eyes fixating on me, noticing me.
like i never was the person i was.

i am cleansed.
i am convinced.
by his words dancing ever so gracefully
an embrace that is mine to keep.

relief, post-panic.
breathing, i almost forgot how to.
sleep, peacefully it posts some concerns.
this i never knew how to.
dignified, now that i do.

he presented me a slumber in the palms of his hands,
to let the bad go, away, with all this.
his promise, that which comes only in the form of peace.
left me asleep, redeeming the daunting nights and years.

what a mighty thing love is,
makes a weakling of an egoistic pessimist.

observe.

2011-02-05T03:46:00.000-08:00

I'd like to sit by the streets and watch the city come to life. the early signs of a morning in a picture not so perfect. sleepy faces holding on to their coffee like a prized possession. in between wariness and thoughts from dreams, slowly realizing today's tasks. places to go and things to do. people to meet and parties to attend.

I would like to be in between. witnessing these lives being lived so many ways. It is somewhat comforting to know I can sit to catch the world waking up.

going going gone

2011-02-02T07:27:00.000-08:00

Tandus, sekali lagi.

ada kala aku hanya ingin diam.
duduk di belakang dinding, lalu hidup di dalam minda yang hitam pekat.
hilang dari derai tawa, perkataan dan mata yang merenung.
di belakang ini hanya aku yang melawan perasaan.

melawan, dan tenggelam.

aku lupa, ingat dan lupa bagaimana rupa. tinggi dan saiz. bila mata tertutup, pertama sekali adalah senyumannya. dan tercelik aku terpinga membentuk menggunakan mata. mencorak imej
dari peta silam. menyambung carta ke satu carta. bagai pelan membina angkasaraya.

cuma satu manusia. tapi aku tetap lupa, ingat, lupa. 23 tahun tidak cukup untuk imaginasi tidak berdaya kreatif. lelap setiap hari semakin jauh dan marah kembali mengabur diri.

aku ingin marah kepada sesiapa saja, kerana kematian dia. aku ingin marah tanpa sebab melayan terus perasaan di hati. aku ingin marah bila kawan tidak tahu mengenang budi ibu dan ayah aku ingin marah kerana aku hanya ada yang satu, dan dia selalunya tidak selari dengan aku.

aku ingin sekali bakar dunia ini dengan api kemarahan, melawan titis kesedihan kerana marah lebih senang dari menangis. ingin sekali, kerana tiada jalan aku mencium tangannya meminta ampun sehingga kiamat nanti.

in the many coming years.

2010-12-31T05:47:00.000-08:00

my thoughts they come without warning, usually when driving alone. i feel my mind lifted from outside the car into a vast memory-wormhole. sucked in, projections reeling one after the other and these images on a loop. words and expressions rewind replay they rewind replay.

its the new year abah.

my heart beats faster realizing the years to come. i cant help to think of all the great events which you wont be around to see. our weddings one day, hari raya, your birthday, you and mama's anniversary, lukman's graduation from university.

i hope you're doing okay. i pray for you every day.

i miss you every second of my day.

and i still half-expect you to walk-in through that door.
without fail, cos i love you so.

happy new year abah.

dark cloud over your house, bah.

2010-12-24T22:17:00.000-08:00

it sucks that every entry is a gloomy one. but how does a pessimist avoid the pessimistic?
how does a person get over this dark cloud hanging over a roof.
i see him everywhere. really every corner of the house.

the garden every weekend, the right side of his bed, the kitchen where he cooks his famous stew, the backyard, lukman's room, abang kimi's room, abang azam's room, my room.

it doesnt stop there. outside the house even the littlest things can set me off.
like seeing a father and daughter walking together in a mall. seeing the little girl sulk to get her father's attention.

being the only girl that's what i do best.
he would always come put his arm around me and console.

i wonder, if i run hard enough.
and long enough,
would i be able to outrun all this anger and sadness.

i wonder, would he cry seeing how difficult it is for us.
to go to each own corner and deal with it they way we always do.
by ourselves, alone with our thoughts
in the night, in the day.

There are thoughts of you everywhere i go.

2010-12-22T22:25:00.000-08:00

I wish the world would just freeze so that I can mourn for the longest time ever.

Nobody knows what to do or say. But its ok.

2010-12-17T20:45:00.000-08:00

if it was up to me, i'd tell these people to get out from my house.
but that's just purely following the heart. my only excuse is that in order for them to get into this house and say whatever they have to say as a condolence, i first have to accept the truth and reality. which still feels like a hammer hammering hammering pounding pounding away on my head. my heart it tears up everytime somebody tries their hardest to console.

i say to them, it is alright. nobody knows what to say and even i wont know what to say back.
mostly its just a nod or two and a smile to console the other person back, you know, for trying.

few days after he passed away i dreamt of him. he was at the door of our house, looking straight on his face was clear. vanishing into a light, circling the house full speed until he reaches the master bedroom. mama, lukman and i, we were sleeping side by side on the bed. and this light went straight into the room stopped right next to me.

i woke up from the dream, sat up straight and i heard the azan for Subuh.

This is the bigger picture.

2010-12-11T22:31:00.000-08:00

i cannot stop.
picturing in my head.
in his jubah and white kopiah,
walking around the corner from the masjid.
seeing me, his smile shines like the moon.

greeting me with an arm around the shoulder,
he will always say only this, "hello, my daughter"

like it is the best thing in the world.

setiap perkataan yang aku lontarkan, pedih dan menyakitkan. alangkah baik jika aku dapat melutut didepannya, cium tangannya dan sepenuh hati meminta ampun. setiap waktu solat yang terabai dan penuh tidak endah, alangkah baiknya jika aku tunaikan dengan berjemaah bersamanya. setiap langkah yang tersilap, alangkah baiknya aku punyai iman yang lebih cekal.

hidup benar-benar terlalu singkat. this is the bigger picture. segala apa yang aku bakal lakukan selepas ini, benar-benar memerlukan kecekalan hati. tapi segalanya antara aku dan Tuhan. you just have to do what you have to do. and I will do so, to see you Abah. when the day comes.
Insya Allah, we will all see you.. in the best of form.

Love you with all my heart,
Your Daughter.

it is just a dream.

2010-12-10T01:10:00.000-08:00

My father, he was a gentle soul.
Softspoken and strong at heart.

Who could prepare for such a thing? Who could tell me now, this will all pass
Without me having to resort to tears every night?
I wake up everytime after you left abah, wishing it was just a dream.
I wake up this morning knowing it was not you who woke me up for subuh.

How does 4 children go from being children to being a caretaker?
In the back of our heads we understood what responsibility lies afterwards
and it is for a single purpose, to take care of mama and to pray for abah's well being in the afterlife.

We, in all its pleasure would very much like abah to just step in and tell us this is a practical joke
We, would not even be mad at him if it truly was, and would openly say, "you win, abah"
We, us four, would very much just settle with the fact that you are our abah and your hugs and advice
Are always there when we need it. And that you are there when mama needs you.
She is strong, we know, but she is stronger with you.

It is never my wish to hear your name being announced over the masjid's speaker. It is the worst nightmare any child could have.
My wish is this and for a long time it will be so, that you will wake me up from this dream with your usual wake-up call during subuh.
Calling my name gently with a knock on the door,

"Wake up Ain, its time for Subuh, time to pray"

i like fridays.

2010-11-28T08:56:00.001-08:00

apart from the obvious,
being that friday is when you exhale after a long working week..
i love it when i drive around during lunch.
when all the abangs, adiks, pakciks and atuks are either walking to or from the masjid
with their simple clothing plus kain pelikats and selipar..

it is such a soothing sight.
and it almost always will have that effect on me,
brings me closer to the ground, everytime.

lethargic

2010-11-17T03:11:00.000-08:00

i heard many things. what you did, what he did and sometimes i catch myself in mid-sentence remembering. their lips parting and intonations flow like a river into words.

and i am being warned about many things in life. who to believe and what to know, when what happened. being easily influenced i crept into this hole on the wall. my back turned to every glancing eyes.

being the easily influenced but rational crazy person that i am.

i just want to live. learning from people's experience maybe it isnt too bad. then again maybe it just totally suck, isnt everything entitled to each own's opinion. hurrah for the most cliched line ever.

i thought to myself i wont let anyone tell me who and what and when.

i'll live i'll love i'll listen and eventually

i'll tell.

wonder.

2010-11-14T07:45:00.000-08:00

i have all his letters hidden,
and poems with beautiful slopes,
sways in and out of punctuation,
how reckless yes so charred with hope.

its kept on top of a tree.
high where my hands wont reach.
but tonight being unrelentingly empty,
thus these eyes they finally read.

meticulous words upon words
placed so perfectly just in time,
and i wonder if it was all just,
an illusion of a perfect crime.

Miaoness.

2010-11-13T18:23:00.000-08:00

I love this image.

Last night I dreamt of a weird looking cat. Thinking it was Sumo I went towards it, worried that it was lying down motionless. It was beyond weird that writing it down seems like a tremendous effort. The fur, twisted and ruffled in messy knots covering its face. And the best part is there are eyes all over the body. Somebody somewhere in the room kept saying, "go on, go on, look at it. what's wrong with it then?" in a teasing playing way.

I wish Sumo was around when I woke up. So he'd bite them like he did last time.

one for the night.

2010-11-09T09:52:00.000-08:00

its hard to sleep.

when i am reminded everytime i switch on this orange light.

nights will pass through, heavily with memories that could've fooled me to believing once again how it could have been. what i should have done. what i shouldnt have. but even so with all actions and unspoken words from me to you,

i still cannot live with the idea. too young to care, or insecurity that never ends. either way tell me now how am i to change for you, i would love to know so i could be a better person for you.

i would scratch back every memory in the past year, every single thing i learnt after you. just to be at the same spot i was. knowing how you were and how i was. and i would go to my past person whisper when i am deep in sleep.

to just believe, to just follow through with this orange light.

and just feel.

snuff.

2010-11-08T09:13:00.000-08:00

dwell in the least i'd like to meet,

unfazed as my heart racing out for,

empty it may be,

this moment and its story,

clinging unintentionally.

this is fair. though it is not. i got hurt. cause i hurt you.
but not you tree, i should've chopped you down a long time ago.

i deserve it, though i dont.
i'll live with it. unfair as it sound.
but it isn't, really it isn't.

cause you were too good for me.
and i could never bring myself to be anywhere near,
without being accompanied by these evil things.
twisting every good path.

i paved in failed attempt,
to get to you.

5 minutes.

2010-11-07T08:16:00.000-08:00

realized it quite late in the process, that solitary is rare. is it just coincidence or really am i dodging every chance that comes flying past.

at one point, breathing comes easily like a weight suddenly shifted. but it feels weird. makes you think really how was breathing done previously?

i think i think too much. and i think people think i think too much. so it makes me think do i have to think lesser or am i just over-thinking this?

and another thing is that. just the fact that. a person could waste so much time on another person truly amazes me. like years.. then you end up with a torned heart, your perspective changes to adapt yourself to the new empty slot. you win some you lose some. go ahead and bet, life's too short they say. fill the empty slot over and over again.

i want to believe that i wasnt affected. that its all good. and yeah i'll say it now things are good.
but im not the same person i was and i dont know if that's good.

if dull has a taste. its like dust stuck in your throat.

2010-11-02T08:27:00.000-07:00

when i wake up i will try my best to trace back my dream before it is completely gone.
at times, if i try really hard i can continue the dream to find its ending.
but you never really know what's the ending.
only, you can change how you believe it ended.
so this morning i woke up with a summon for parking my car illegally in dreamland.
continued the sleep, duit kopi-ed the abang polis and woke up the second time much happier.

Malaysia Boleh.

Wake Up

2010-10-15T21:58:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm older,
My heart, colder.
And I cant, see that its allright.

Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torned up
We're just a million little gods causin rain storms turnin every good thing to rusttttttt

who's counting anyway?

2010-10-12T10:20:00.000-07:00

i hope i haven't fallen into the trenches of insomnia. yesterday slept late while my elder brother ranted outside my door, feeling unsatisfied with the fact that i closed the door during the peak of his speech. a loud sigh is always accustomed to such situations in and out of anger and, whats menyampah in english? exasperation (sounds so baik in english)

a heavy, more calm sigh shall follow suit, best practiced while listening DeVotchka and The Notwist. A miao keeping you company while you're down also helps.

numb as numb ever gets, I am utterly surprised as to how untouched, undeterred, and very much jaded i still am. on one hand it feels like someone just zap your whole memory and you feel kind of lost, but you can still quite function. which brings you to a confused state of mind. to panic or not to panic.

on the other hand it just makes everything more questionable than they ever were. or rather at times when you have to question, you dont. lack of judgment they say, but by fact its just an act of dumbing-down til you fall flat on the earth.

cos what else have you got to lose?
i dont have any.
i lost this battle,
im back to square one with my face flat on the earth.

and i dont care if it swallows me.

didnt make it to the next level

2010-09-27T09:50:00.000-07:00

capitalism is a pain in the ass. i have long ago stopped killing zombies as per L4D but have recently started again all thanks to the mass amount of labor work. there isnt much to say or is it my receptors are just feeling a bit numb these days.. there isnt passion in anything, excitement even after the first cup of coffee.

jaded is a good word.

told a friend i had the thought of getting myself into accident just to avoid (&&^%^&$ work at the office and i got the "are you okay?" question with full sincerity. i was like, "pah! of course i'm ok... i think so.."

who wants to hear a gloomy story anyways. i get sick of it but i dwell in it. eventually i'll move along but at times things are pretty unbearable.

if i have the say i'd stay in Paris every chance i get. i'd stalk models coming out of fashion week and find my way in through the back door. i'll date painters and violinists, take trains from north to south and travel with an empty peace of mind. in the mornings i'll sit by my window watching the streets and people sipping on cafe au lait, eating gourmet pain. just let it seep through me and revive this back to a heavy beating heart. i'll never really grow old.

There is always a reason. (click to see video)

2010-09-18T11:03:00.000-07:00

as to why things happen the way they do. sometimes we fail to see beyond the problem and tend to magnify our faults and wrong.. putting ourselves down. we fail to see the positive outcomes because it is a lot easier to feel down than to feel happy. the present moment relived over and over casting a shadow over the endless possibilities life has in store for us.

tomorrow is another day thinking about yesterday. and it goes on for the longest time, you feel. restlessness accompanies everytime your mind take a break from producing a laughter, a smile, a few spoken words, an action.

until you bump into something that quickly pinpoints you a hint of sunlight during a storm. or reminding you of it.

bukan kita tak pernah tahu. kita sering terlupa. tetapi bila teringat, kita sengaja melupakannya. perasaan yang berat, mengendah tanggungjawab sentiasa menyusul. tapi kenapa? kerana kita tak pernah dekat. kerana kita tidak dapat melihat walau ada buktinya. ataupun mata memejam bila terlihat bukti kebesaran.

kita riak. dan tenggelam dalam duniawi.
suatu hari nanti kita pasti menyesal.
melihatkan setiap peluang beribadah terlepas dari genggaman kita sendiri.

I Am Dilapidated

2010-09-17T07:44:00.000-07:00

at first, i thought its all the gas from all kinds of food i ate. raya being raya everything from pizza to nasi ambang goes through the digestion system. urban houses, kampung houses, sub-urban/kampung houses different in its own way. and the soft drinks? every colour you can imagine making you feel relieved to get home just to drink plain water.

but its not that. maybe it is that. but not just that.

its the image i keep replaying in my head. its you and you and you. and not in the good way. everytime i think my head, my stomach goes all wrong. i cant put the right words for it because how can i? it is downright unspeakable. torture. you believed that it is forgivable. and so you decided. hey, what difference would it make right?

wrong as ever. because the more i keep rewinding and replaying, and this goes on at every other second, the more i am convinced that it is unforgivable. trust with me is a very delicate thing. and you broke it beyond repair.

thank you, for yet again I Am Dilapidated.

you can start writing your hate list.

one-year notice.

2010-09-14T04:40:00.000-07:00

on the contrary that a polished cubicle will promise routine, and a swivelling office chair shall swivel when need it be swivelled, and a screen that constantly burns your eyes from sunrise til sunset, the contentment deemed suffice by others found lacking in return.

while a losing fight against capitalism in an 'air-conditioned sweatshop' said a true friend, sounds absurd and ridiculous, a poor man there is a richer man here.

maybe it will be soon. next year or the next. but it is as sure as heaven and hell, that i will become a janitor/butcher/cherry-picker/waitress/gas attendant in the opposite side of the world to get paid more than a project manager over here. when i come back, or maybe i wont in a long time, i'll buy mama the kitchen she wants and the country house for abah before finding my own happiness.

p.s: thanks amy.

aku perlu perlu aku

2010-09-13T11:44:00.000-07:00

aku tak ada masa. kalau ada juga aku tak peduli. semua perlu bermula sekarang. di atas dasar kami anak beranak tidak mempunyai sebarang petanda atas apa yang bakal menimpa. bagaimana wang yang bergunung boleh tenggelam ditelan dunia materialistik sepantas kelipan mata? wang yang boleh membenarkan segala situasi menjadi sebaliknya. angkuh, bangga dan lagak atau hanya tersilap langkah..

perlu untuk aku menyoal walau tiada hasilnya. kerana kami akan tetap begini melalui setiap hari dengan harapan keajaiban akan jatuh dari langit tanpa sebarang usaha. maksud dari kami tidak termasuk aku. atau sesiapa dari keluarga yang merasa bahang namun mulut menyimpan rahsia.

aku tak ada masa. aku hanya perlu lakukan. dan apa bezanya hari ini atau esok jika melihat ibu terusan berdoa di atas sejadah di malam hari dan berkeras sepanjang umur tua. yang sama esok dan esok dan esok dan esok lagi.

tekad ini untuk meninggalkan tanah air. untuk kebahgiaan orang tua.

Budak Melayu Klasik

2010-08-17T05:21:00.000-07:00

Bobeh perlukan inpirasi. dia mencebik melihat jam. kalau punya kuasa hendak dipusingkan saja jarum itu 15 kali ganda lebih pantas. "pusiingg pusingg pussinngggg... heh heh heh" gelak Bobeh berimaginasi. "PRAKKK!" tersentap, Bobeh melayang dari kerusi. diikuti huraian tawa 3 saat kemudiannya memenuhi ruang bilik darjah.

dari lantai Bobeh tersipu malu memandang kasut merah striking Puan Raodah di tepi mejanya. Dia dapat merasa mata Sharifah memandang gerak badan terlantar di atas lantai berdebu itu. Bahang pandangan gadis itu masyuk menusuk ke jantung.

Dengan kuasa ajaib seperti Otromen yang datang dari entah mana dalam setiap siri Otromen, Bobeh bertukar menjadi manusia paling cool dan bergaya, rambutnya ditiup angin dan lantas mengalahkan James Dean tersisir rapi. jaket kulit yang terselit di antara bahunya seakan jatuh dari langit dan kasut sekolah kusam kini kasut but hitam yang hanya bisa dipakai old timers. tapi Bobeh cool. Bobeh bukan old timer.

Tapi dia tetap otai.

kerana hari ini dia bakal mencuri hati Sharifah. Sharifah berkulit putih gebu, rambut mengurai hitam, senyuman manis mekar membunga.

Prap, prap, prap.

'Aku tahu kau sudah lama menunggu.'

Sennnntapp!

ooo ooo kena rantai!

2010-08-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

selalunya mimpi tak ada bunyi.
atau mungkin ada tapi kau tak beri perhatian.
yang lebih penting, setiap gerak geri.

selalunya bila terlalu jelas,
atau terlalu tidak masuk akal,
terlalu fokus pada suatu benda,
yang tak logik.

kadang kadang akan tersentap,
kadang kadang terhanyut leka.
kadang kadang dapat meneka
mainan yang menunggu bila tercelik.

apa pula kali ini?
yang tak habisnya aku,
kerana kau bagai tiada kawan.

tapi bulan ini,
ooo ooo kau kena rantai!
jangan mari cari aku lagi.

oooo ooooo! suka suka.

spin the wheel and we'll decide on this one

2010-07-24T01:11:00.000-07:00

knowledge: above average
wisdom: not quite there
tolerance: very low
curiousity: killing elephants

drive (to explore, to search, to improve): decreasing at an alarming rate

realization: clearer every day
ideas: blocked every single angle
summary of current state: surviving

flicker of motivation: happiness.

i dont know.

2010-07-17T09:45:00.000-07:00

its amazing how much a human can think and rethink,
on a decision that should just come naturally.

i went to a sweet 16 birthday today
and saw these bunch of giddy and excited girls.
I just envied the free spirit they have in them.

back then nothing mattered except you know,
boys. hanging out after school and, boys.
and the things that revolves around them.

all these decisions in my head, if i were 16
i would've taken the most extreme road.
the one that clearly says
'enter and thee shalt be fuketh upside down'

not literally though.
cos i wont be at a legal age.
by courts are so damn sexy right?

i dont know.
sometimes i wish this life would just pass over faster.
so we wont have to worry about petty things every single day.
finally have that peace that everything is alright.
going to be alright.

suka sakit entah apa.

2010-07-11T09:34:00.000-07:00

resah
yang tak sudah.

bangun duduk baring.
tepisan kiri dan kanan.
mengelak sudut yang positif.

untuk saksi kepada detik,
berlalu tiap yang panjang.
keluh di setiap lepasan nafas.

menelan demi hidup
meneguk untuk tidak bingit.
sedar untuk hari yang esok
lelap untuk hari yang seterusnya.

hai,

resah yang tak pernah sudah-sudah..

mencari sesuatu untuk sesuatu.

perlu aku bertanya Tuhan apa yang aku perlu.

but why should i?

2010-07-10T21:48:00.000-07:00

shall i be blamed for the arrow that struck my heart.
years ago, through your questioning eyes.
days and nights countless of seconds as flowing conversation
trespasses the walls in between.
and though it may seem some moments were full of laughter
and the next of tears and unforgiving words,

it was meant to be,
it was meant to be,
i believe and will always believe,
you and me.

thoughts they flicker with each sharp memory cutting.
the arrow still pierced ever so tightly
in this weak heart of mine
shall i be blamed for trying to twist and pull it.
for trying to forget, forget, forget, every single day.

it was meant to be,
it was meant to be,
i believe and will always believe,
you and me.

wasn't anything, isn't anything.

2010-06-24T08:37:00.000-07:00

tak apa.

kau tak perlu kisah. apa orang kata. pandangan serong yang menyimpan segenap makna. time is a good teacher the sooner you realize the better..

walau kau tetap berfikir pada malam gelap. minda tetap berputar pada yang lama. but you are here, and you took your path. it doesn't matter.

setiap malam sebelum tidur, aku selalu berfikir. adakah aku dah buat yang terbaik untuk hari ini? telah cuba untuk memperbaiki keadaan dari apa segi sekalipun.

dulu, aku rasa ini untuk tujuan yang betul. memperbaiki diri sendiri.. untuk lebih maju, lebih ke hadapan. tapi setelah lama, terdetik mungkin ada batasannya? antara memajukan diri dan hanya perasaan yang tak pernah puas hati.

hei, mungkin kalau aku buat rambut macam ni macam tu, aku akan rasa lebih gembira. atau, kalau aku beli baju ini baju yang itu, aku akan dapat some sort of acknowledgment. diterima dalam masyarakat. dan mungkin, kalau aku bersama yang ini atau yang itu..aku akan bahagia.

tiap kali ada semangat baru, berucap teguh. i can do this and i will do this. to get a better me.. rasa macam membetulkan keadaan tapi akhirnya kecewa. dengan diri sendiri yang tak pernah tahu kemahuan, tak pernah berpuas hati dengan keadaan. tak pernah bersyukur dengan Tuhan.

i still dont know what i want. and in the process to this unknown spot i've hurt many people. done stupid things, taking life as it is and as i see it. i was a mess. i still think i am. just less enthusiastic of a mess maybe.. but i got here. and this is where i am now. and no matter how hard it is to look back and hoping you have an undo button, i'll have to face nights with unending questions. i'll have to keep on moving forward.

re-tracing the footsteps comes with circumstances like today's.

2010-06-19T23:23:00.000-07:00

what is it that today has in store for us, the unknown we are scared to look into. the past is past and done with no doubt, feeds comfort. of knowing what happened. you want to go back way before others' opinions matters. when you listened to yourself rather than the passing of judgments. in the streets, in the day when play becomes work and in the night when work becomes play.

back when the world was your unbounded playground filled with possibilities. aggression in each muscle movement. pace gliding fast and spirits soaring high. "move, or be trampled over", we warned. we were proud.

we were unbreakable.

but we were there for the same reason. learning as we fall. as we cherish glory. we learned, in essence. we never thought the time would come when loneliness would be by our side, to face the world. not, our usual playground.

we thought we would be there forever. holding hands and hugging each other next to the rugby field.

before i sleep these thoughts i speak.

2010-06-07T07:48:00.000-07:00

give me strength to pull through,
give me wisdom to find the truth.
build up my faith into You,
clearer vision to start the day anew.

Ya Allah.

cerita kampung den #2

2010-06-02T23:12:00.000-07:00

Ada satu kali, abah datang melawat kita dua beradik kat kampung. dengan baju kerja. aku rasa, mama tak tau. tapi aku ingat lagi hari tu sebab aku gaduh dengan abang. entah pasal apa tapi nak ikut cerita aku marahlah jugak rasanya sebab aku cakap babi kat dia for the first and the last time dalam hidup.

so i was upstairs watching the yard through the wooden windows and i saw my dad get out of his car. i wanted to go downstairs but i knew abang was there. so i took a good 10 minutes before i finally collected the nerve to go. i stood by the top stair and saw my brother talking to abah at the living room and he looked sad.

my dad cakap, "ain cakap apa dekat abang?" and i stood silent, suddenly finding my toes fascinating. he continued, "jangan cakap lagi yea.. tak baik.." i nodded slowly then practically ran to my dad, hugged him.

it was confusing, we were too young to understand why we couldn't just be at home. we didnt know where abang kimi was, why he isnt there with us.. we never did ask like it was an unspoken rule to not say anything about it. even now, because it's such a bad memory not being with your mama and abah for ages in kid years. but we understood it was a heart-breaking situation for all members of the family even though we never talked about it.

i remember abah's face that time. he looked so miserable. but he tried to smile anyway with those sad eyes. my abang and i we started fighting cos we didnt want to share our hug with abah. shoving each other and pulling abah's hand, plus i was still annoyed with him. stupid brother.

gently abah said, "jangan gaduh-gaduh, kalau abah mati nanti macamana..?"

immediately we stopped. hugged him tightly like we'll never let go. because we love abah so much. we would fight for his love.

cerita kampung den

2010-06-01T19:32:00.000-07:00

masa kecik dulu, 5 tahun rasanya. aku duduk kampung dengan uwan dengan atuk. tak payah la aku cerito pasal apa aku duk kampung sebab kalau aku tersilap fakta, nanti aku yang dosa. family matters, best left to family.. ini memory aku yang pertama masa kat kampung negeri sembilan.

what i remember living for quite some time in this wooden house, my uwan she was famous for her kuihs. her cakes they were the best. kat kampung dia lah champion buat kuih and cake. time tu dia boleh jalan lagi masih kuat lagi, mulut laju aja bercakap pok pek pok pek dia marah makcik aku.

my daily routine was requesting for the kuih of the day and she would always please me by working on it for hours. my personal favourite was kuih lompang because it permitted me to slap my brother when we are eating it. of course, in order to do so i must also get slapped. i know, the game kids play.. very strange. i laugh now at the image in my head. with our faces red and mouths full of kuih lompang.

at times, it was unbearable. i would miss my mother so much and i would cry demanding to see her. my brother being older deals with it differently. he would sit in a corner for hours on end refusing to play with me or just ignore me completely. my uwan she would come to me smiling with a bottle of hot milo. smiling, she sings malay songs for me, 'dont cry.. dont cry..good child..' and i will always stop, listen to her every note and take in her every expression. the light in her eyes, her teeth, and the crinkles of her face when she sings to me.

uwan den kato, "cilako botul!"

2010-06-01T06:03:00.000-07:00

once in a while, you need some kind of wake up call as to what life really is. everyday in the city life you see man's creations. beautiful things that makes you wonder in amazement, 'how did they do that?' or beautiful words put into form, flowing seamlessly like music or the river. you dive, bask in the glory created by hands of men.

when you sit with your friends, your talk will be of virtual life. news of the world you found out from a social networking services. always something to sulk about. things like, people not up to your standards annoying you.. people whom you think are ignorant annoying you... people not as rich as you annoying you.. anybody not able to fulfill your required checklist to be in your honorable presence. pity you. you have to deal with poor, uneducated, unstylish people craving for your attention everyday. i can imagine how exhausted you are.

when you stay at your kampung, and i am sure most of us do have one, outside of kl in states untouched by technology and endless standards you will see what is the truth, what is the most vital in life. stay with your grandmother, watch the sunrise, drink pure kampung coffee and do what every villagers do til sleeptime comes, keep the house together.

talk to your grandmother and observe how money is never wasted on anything lavish except catfood, how fried chicken is treasured at any mealtime and pizza treated like king's food available once in months on end.

semua yang ada dekat bandar, semuanya tipu. tipu belaka shopping mall, billboard besar gajah, kedai jual mee harga 15 ringgit. apa tu semua? hidup yang canggih tak pernah mahu ketinggalan dalam apa jua, kumpul kawan beramai tapi bila menangis satu pun tak ada, untuk apa? berkobar-kobar menegakkan kau paling betul dalam semua perkara, orang lain semua tak sepandai dan setaraf untuk berkawan dengan kau, apa kau lena tidur pada waktu malam dengan semua ni? sudah puas hati? atau kau tetap perlu yakinkan diri sendiri setiap kalinya, ya ini sudah mencukupi..? masih ada soal dalam setiap yakinan.

aku tak mahu kata banyak. sebab aku nampak terlalu banyak dalam beberapa hari ni. aku tercelik begitu banyak. konklusinya, kita boleh kaya, popular, hip, pandai bagai macamana tapi kalau kita tak tahu yang mana paling penting dalam hidup, paling membawa ke alam sana.. tak ada gunanya. aku bukan malaikat tapi kurangnya aku sedar apa yang aku tak cukup.

bukannya tak cukup hip tak dapat berkawan dengan kau, tapi tak cukup bercakap dengan Tuhan. tak cukup beramal buat keluarga. tak cukup putih hati ni, telan 'ekzos' bandar dengan sengajanya. aku mati tak ada kawan berbagai tak apalah. ada satu dua pun cukup. yang penting masuk syurga. dengan skeluarga aku juga selamat..

cakap pasal syurga, aku bajet makcik aku mesti yang first dalam family masuk. pasal dia jaga nenek aku, jaga anak, jaga husband yang sebulan sekali ada rumah, jaga solat, sementara yang lain di bandar. dia tak pernah lanjutkan pelajaran, banyak yang dia terlepas dalam hidup, her life is catered to her mother. tapi di mata Allah, apa darjat tu dikira? bila dipintu syurga?

FED UP NAK MAMPOS

2010-05-27T08:24:00.000-07:00

yes tak payah cerita panjang. statement di atas sudah cukup negatif buat semua orang. selamat malam, bitches. go die and roll into a ditch.

if circumstances were different, how would it be?

2010-05-26T08:59:00.000-07:00

fingers, they scrape upon the bottomless and infinite airways.
loopholes, to find an opposite of an empty blank.
on straight and twisted, deep and above
finding out, dealing on what to let go.

what tangible thing the heart is,
on the surface.
underneath such mystery provoke,
when in thought.

chances are long gone
and time lost into oceans under the sun
still my heart breaks
my eyes no stranger to being awake

to imagine,
to ponder,
to succumb,

what was once almost.

Such Lovers

2010-05-21T23:45:00.000-07:00

should change it to highly established insomniac.

2010-05-21T11:42:00.000-07:00

when i think its about to stop, when i feel like i'm finally safe now, it starts again. i'm scared and going crazy at the same time. i am past the question, 'why' already it seems so pointless to keep asking and to mess up my already fucked up sleeping time. i wonder at moments if i am being too conscious and if i were just too paranoid. it's a possibility.

but what is the normal reaction anyway? when the situation itself is beyond normal?

i dont ask for it. always without warning, anytime of the day. tired is a word to describe how else i feel. with such a difficulty falling asleep i have no idea how its going to be when i start working.

it was knocking sounds on my sliding door.

repetitive, adamant, knocking sounds.

ode to friends.

2010-05-19T21:31:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder, what everything will lead to. we look back and we hardly recall the supposedly short moments. our minds trying hard to remember the laughter of each person, the jokes no one else could understand, the history details and secrets between each of us. it makes you think, does it end here? were we there because we were coincidentally there? and now that its over and its time for us to live our life, is it right to just let go?

sometimes, i wish i could go back. not to correct anything. but to be that girl i used to be, surrounded by close friends, doing what i love and having not to care about a single thing. believing you could be young, forever.

tak best tak best tak best

2010-05-19T10:46:00.000-07:00

kan best kalau tiap tiap hari boleh set badan untuk tido awal. takdalah bangun time lunch, celik mata terus rasa bahang. boleh minum kopi sambil baca newspaper time sejuk-sejuk. lepas tu jadi gila turun naik tangga sebab hyper.

haih..

on to the next movie.

Malaysia Panas/Hujan/Mendung/Panas

2010-05-18T05:05:00.000-07:00

my head be bangin'.. bangin'.. bangin'..

jam, detik. satu per satu. mata mencari sesuatu.
titis menahan bahang. hujan tak membantu.
nafas makin laju. jari mengipas terus.
hentakan kecil di sudut bilik.
yang kosong.
yang gelap tiada kuasa.

mata pantas mencari, minda pantas meneka.
telinga ada yang tak kena.
mulut tetap bertanya,

kau nak apa?

dan terusan tiada jawabnya.

shit macamana ni?

2010-05-17T10:39:00.000-07:00

aku takut kalau aku teserempak dengan Leornado DiCaprio. aku tak tau apa yang aku akan buat. aku mungkin akan bunuh dia so aku orang last yang pegang dia.....

uish saiko!

haramjadah! memang rocket science!

2010-05-17T10:00:00.001-07:00

aku tak faham lah kenapa ada manusia jenis macam ni. macam rocket science tau? semua dok pikirkan pasal perangai seekor ni, apasal lah sungguh tak bertamadun mengikut umur. depan muka baik belaka, belakang tah hapa aku risau nak tau apa dia dok kata. kalau dah bertahun macam ni and kalau dah sampai ke tahap kronik macam sekarang, takkan tak faham faham lagi?

attitude, man.

change. adapt. what have you got to lose? nothing. i'll tell you what you will lose if you dont try to grow up, it's your friends. friends forever they say. best friends forever!!! omagahhh!! dalam nada teenage girl sambil suck on a lollipop berambut tocang dua. eyy please lah wei, tu janji zaman sekolah. tak boleh bawak masuk court. kalau dah besar perangai still sama macamana kawan yang sayang kau nak teruskan bersama kau? you speak of not having 'friends who will be there no matter what' but how can they possibly be when you intentionally play the same game?

best friend pun boleh penat kena save your fucking ass all the time. kena tolerate your fucking dramas all the time. kena dengar kau mengadu 24jam pasal something you should've gotten over like gazillion years ago. we are not superheroes ada endless energy. we are not robots boleh recharge bila power depleted or boleh repair bila otak jam.

hello. wake up. it's not always about you. that's why it's called a friendship?

keep the screaming and rolling on the floor act at home aight. we've got enough little brothers and sisters to take care of so our hands are full. and by the way, if you're still sucking on a lollipop at this age i am humbly suggesting you a medical check-up. you know, so your future child wont be diabetic or anything like it. that, or a shrink. whatever works for you.

DiCaprio for President

2010-05-16T10:13:00.000-07:00

so.. meeting will be at my house this sunday at noon. tentative as follows:

noon : light lunch

afterlunch: watch The Departed

after that: watch The Aviator

after that: watch Gangs of New York

after that: tea break

after tea: watch Catch Me if You Can

after that: watch The Assassination of Richard Nixon

after that: dinner & discuss ways to enable Leornado to take over the world

end of meeting.

i will forever be your unofficial bodyguard and protect you from the craziness that is the world without any salary or even an autograph, gladly.

2010-05-15T14:53:00.000-07:00

okay kids. i have decided anybody can rant about anything in this world, any possible microscopic misplaced particle that doesnt suit their desired way of life. something that probably wouldnt even have the slightest connection ten times, millions, billions of times over with the person commenting on the issue. not a dot of relevance to how this person will even be considered the 2132743849356th reference if the issue shows up in discovery channel or bio channel 731. this person will be the last of the last of the last of the last in the list to be called if resource is needed for media that is, politics-infested newspaper, fhm, golf illustrated, fucken E news maybe and lets not start on how that shit can be categorized as news yeah? cos we all know this is gonna be long enough as it is.

all i am saying,

is that you smart-asses out there, game players, two-timing bitches and jerk-offs, melbourne shufflers and bike-riding fucking trendsetters of the fucking nation can talk crap about anything, anything in the world, complain to your homies about whatever makes you feel better than the next person, meddle with anyone's business to shed less light on your pathetic life, bomb anybody with a c-4 and pretend nothing happened, talk politics to get handfuls of acknowledgment that you are smart, work your ass everyday to just barely prove that you are WORTHY of someone's few seconds but never NEVER NEVERRR EVER let me find out that you have disgraced this man of honor, talent, wisdom for i will break your arms into thousands of pieces and feed it to the cockroaches in my house til it gets fucken big and when they are enormous i will send them to your house to then eat up your legs.

hidung gatal yes sungguh gatal

2010-05-15T12:24:00.000-07:00

ada satu binatang yang aku tak mampu beri setitik pun belas kasihan. walaupun ketam tak sedap, tapi membunuh binatang tu satu perkara yang lain. pernah tengok my name is earl masa crabman terpaksa masukkan ketam dalam boiling hot water? ironic kan. nama dia crabman tapi dia kesian dekat ketam. macam tu lah. walaupun ketam sup adalah hands down makanan paling tak sedap dalam dunia after 'balut', aku still akan kesian kalau satu hari kena paksa dengan husband masak ketam.

anyway, binatang yang akan dapat merasa full fledge kekejaman aku adalah lipas. memang tak boleh tahan. bapak aku selalu marah satu rumah bau shieldtox kalau ada lipas jadi mangsa. tak kira lah baby lipas ke atuk lipas, tak ada diskriminasi dalam soal ni. yang pasti semua tu golongan perosak pemusnah yang buat tah hapa dirty jobs sebelum masuk ke kawasan aku. lebih kurang sama macam relationship israel dengan palestin. yea betul ada connection cuba renungkan.

ye, aku baru berjaya bunuh baby lipas tadi. sekarang tak boleh tido hidung gatal akibat penggunaan semburan racun serangga overdose.

dah mati pun ada kesan sampingan makhluk durjana ni.
dan atas sebab inilah kita perlu bersikap zionis terhadap lipas. sekian.

aku paling benci

2010-05-13T12:06:00.000-07:00

penipu.

tipu tak pandai cover, lagilah.

buat semak kepala. buat sakit hati.

kalau ye pun, bawak-bawaklah bijak sikit.

dah tertera dengan jelas kat situ,

takkanlah tak register langsung orang akan dapat tahu?

ini kes tak reti menipu ke tak ada balls nak terus terang?

wtf.

ye, memang takde kerja. ada masalah?

2010-05-13T03:04:00.000-07:00

kadang kadang, kita akan dapat tahu bila masa kita terpaksa basuh kereta. ini boleh diukur dari segi ketebalan habuk di setiap inci kereta tersebut dan juga bilangan daun kering yang entah mana datang ada di atas alas kaki kereta.

kita juga dapat menilai bilamasa kereta memerlukan mandiannya apabila kereta di jalanraya memandang kereta anda dengan penuh jijik. walaupun sebenarnya itu semua permainan fikiran, tapi ada mungkin pakcik motor yang tersentuh kereta anda akan deras pulang untuk mandi dengan sabun detol antiseptik boleh didapati di pasaran ataupun samsudeen tapi mark up lebih jika dibandingkan giant atau tesco.

sedang aku basuh kereta gilap dengan polish kasi shining baikkk punya, tiba tiba jiran aku balik dengan kereta bmwnya yang berseri-seri. dulu, aku selalu tumpang aunty ni pergi sekolah sebab anak dia senior sekolah aku. anyway, sambil menggilap kotoran degil aku teringat satu kisah masa form 4.

nak pendekkan cerita aku bangun lambat sebab malam sebelumnya tah hape benda aku buat. dahlah lambat, melenggang pulak tu. jadi bila bunyi hon jiran yang merupakan signal untuk aku keluar berbunyi, aku jadi kelam kabut. panik. terpijak kain sekolah, tergolek, buku main campak dalam beg, baju masuk setengah badan, tudung senget benget, stokin sekolah jangan harap nak cari sekarang dah macam cari harta karun.

bunyi hon kedua dan ketiga berlalu. akhirnya aku berjaya keluar gate dengan fesyen kanak-kanak kurang kasih sayang. konfem, kena marah ni. seperti yang dijangka, mak dia mengamuk dalam kereta. "ain, apasal lambat sangat??! aunty dah tunggu lama dahh!" "sorry aunty.." "kalau aunty bagitau mak ain mesti dia marah jugak! lain kali jangan lambat macam ni!" dengan muka yang sungguh bengis gua tak lalu nak telan air liur pun.

lepas tu, satu hari aku down kat sekolah. i think, that was the point where i stopped talking to her and i dont really know whether that action was right or wrong but it happened, and now its been 7 years. sambil simbah air kat kereta aku jadi bengang. damn man, apasal dia buat aku down camtu. bad memory gila babs. i started to think, maybe things would be different if that day didnt happen. kalau dia tegur aku one day i will tell her off, bagitau dia she was a bit out of the line and she didnt handle that well. yeah baru puas hati. sental sental sental.

tiba tiba ada orang panggil nama. suara high pitch. nyaring serta bingit. aku pernah dengar suara ni. sepantas kilat aku cari tuan punya suara high pitch tersebut. maaakk jiran sebelah, aunty T. defense mechanism not ready. autopilot in shock.

"errrr.. ye aunty?"

"haa ni ada minyak gamat.. kasi mama ye.."

"aaa..yee ok thank you.."

"ok byeee" laju masuk rumah sambil kucing gemok dia ikut masuk

babi tak sempat.

if you feel offended then it's especially for you.

2010-05-10T04:44:00.000-07:00

respect is a strange thing. hypocrisy never fails to be by its side though invisible at most times, but what is the fucking difference? even if its not, we pretend its not there anyway. hypocrisy as one can see, (or choose not to) is not a strange thing.

the awful truth hurts even the strongest of man, parading his muscles and packs and bitches and luxury cars. it hurts even the strongest of woman parading her defensiveness, words, magnanimous boobs/expensive push-up bra and a trap that never ever EVER shuts for its own good or for the sake of other's life.

yes you're scoring, you've got it all, the job the car the girls the one pack across your belly the facts you cant stop blabbering about. we get it, you're better, you win. can we get this race over with? cos we all know where we will end up anyway. are you trying to get there faster? by there i mean hell.

nothing is enough, there is always something to prove. you are worthy to look at, to talk to. worthy of a person's effort to do shitloads of things just for the sake of your royal ass. and for what? to feel the sense of belongingness? acceptance? by who?? who are these people you wanted to be accepted by? people you knew for 2 seconds from fucking facebook?

i have 2 questions for you to ponder everytime you feel the need to up your status in the facebook non-existent hierarchy:

1) why do you give a shit?

2) what is the fucking difference?

please ask yourself these questions everytime you are about to embarass yourself. thank you.

xx.

2010-04-13T12:11:00.000-07:00

and you sit for hours trying to heal

one, two.

2010-04-09T09:16:00.000-07:00

i do.

but i cant help feeling like it's a sign.

i feel like running into the forest and lying down under a huge tree, with the leaves falling down so slowly. one, two slipping down my face. because all i am good at are those two: running and sleeping. if one of which can save my life i would probably be able to beat the cat with 9 lives.

i'll give it to you, i'm fucking exhausted. and i'm not even halfway through. she left, you know. she packed her bags and she's never coming back. i told her she's gotta right? cos she knows she just gotta. she wouldn't. said it right to my face what's the point? told me straight up i haven't got a chance in the world. she hasn't got a clue herself so why bother.

you can't say anything to that. but you can try going with the overrated desperate attempt. like, no that's not true! we've got plenty of chances what are the odds of not getting one? either way she doesn't know the odds but she's saying like she does so how unfair is that? so you roll on the ground like a 5 year old saying you can't make it without your conscience, how does anyone? so unfair, it's my right and she just decided to leave, didnt even get a 24 hour notice. i mean who does that?? no no no no. i told her she doesn't care about me with tears filling up my eyes.

with this she turned to face me and a sailing smoke passed right through.
she gazed at me so blankly, tilted she felt almost hollow.
her hand on my wet cheek cold like the mountains.
and she said these words i will remember forever,

she said,

"my child, my dear poor child..."

her eyes.
and she was gone.

jangan baca, mesti tak faham.

2010-04-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

perempuan 1, 2, & 3.

dia masih tercari.
antara dingin dan api.
wajah pasti,
kekal hingga mati.

gopoh.
gopoh terlampau gopoh.
bongkak.
bongkak terlampau bongkak.

nan 1 duniawi
nan 2 kiamat
nan 3 ingin selamat.

dari apa kurang pasti.
kaki pantas terhentak lalu lari.
tinggal segala yang perlu hadapi.

perempuan 1, 2 & 3.
pemainan sudah tamat.

the next step.

2010-04-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

the truth is, you are afraid.
to love, to try, to speak, to do something.

to believe in something others don't. to be what you want to be.
there is no such thing as a general rule. there is only a rule agreed by the general.

sure, your life's shitty now. everything doesn't go your way. you plan but it doesn't always work out and at the end of the day when you have no one else to blame, it only gets worse.

but you have this idea on where you will be in 5, 10 years. general manager, professional accountant, financial officer, designer, wife of/husband of? it will all work out in the end.

words will hurt you, people will try to control you because they have a different idea on how you should live your life. because they do not believe you are capable. and it is only acceptable that this happens. and maybe you should even be grateful that it does, shows someone cares.

but that should be the only consideration you should give for an opinion on your life. the rest is up to you. at nights you will face the cruel truth of loneliness. there are countless days where you walk the streets slowly among the crowd. weeks, months, years being reminded constantly of how alone you are in this quest and moments when you are right on the edge. always keep in your mind on what will come, what will become of you, all the dreams you will break yourself to fulfill,

and it shall all be worth it.

need: invincible heart

2010-04-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

sorrow:

when the heart seeks love by absence, to be missed through guilt of others

see also: misery
see also: unhappiness
see also: loneliness

blood red

2010-04-04T08:34:00.000-07:00

one day i will sit on my patio with cigarette in hand, while the sun rises. this moment will come racing back to me and i will handle it as undelicately as possible, laugh as hard as i can. all the negativity, the deprivation of trust, the lack of confidence i am burdened with shall sink as sand to the bottom of the ocean. and likewise i shall use it to my convenience.

i will succeed beyond what is acceptable,
i will break every rule they made for me.

tribute, regret, dreams.

2010-04-03T11:25:00.000-07:00

i had a bestfriend way back in primary school. i think that was the last time i had one. wasn't nice being an outsider in a new school, especially if you feel like it's somewhat a downgrade from the last school in subang. fitting in wasn't easy even for a standard 3 kid, believe me. my memory of first year in my new school was filled with being bullied most of the time. i dont blame them, in fact i would've bullied myself if i was my classmate. spineless, scrawny, easy-target. that's like bottom of the food-chain for them. i'm not even an appetizer. i'm like those peanuts you dont even realize you're eating while watching tv.

so in standard four i basically had no idea who my classmates were, no history of fights or games of hop-scotch, no canteen buddies bond. primarily due to my transfer from basically a stupid class i was randomly thrown into and eventually i got to leave because i was smarter than they thought :B

first day of standard four already felt like an upgrade. the air clearer, the students in places for once, brighter classroom and i was sitting amongst the intellectuals yo! that is the ultimate. but as usual i sat by myself while everybody stared at me questioningly wondering if i got the wrong class. got some news kiddies, i'm in this intellectual thing too now! bwahahaha! well wasn't really thinking that, was actually doodling.

and in she came, late.

not looking at me or saying anything, she sat next to me.
5 minutes later she was playing lawan pemadam with herself.
10 minutes later i challenged her.
3 months later we found out we were both nuts in the head.
6 months later we caused uncountable pranks on uncountable victims.
1 year later we kept on riding our bikes like the world was ours.
inseparable, inseparable, inseparable.
but 2 years later we did.
stopped being inseparable..

i wish i could turn back time, not to change anything but to see it clearly again and rid of all these holes in my memory. what made it so special. i wish i could still be in touch with her, be crazy out of the mind with seriously stupid jokes.. these days i'll have to come terms with it probably wont ever happening. but not today. today i wish i'm at her room jumping on her bed and sharing thoughts til dreams take over, the way we used to.

children always see the little things.
it's hard to do so when you're this age.
fed with the idea of ideal career, ideal pay, ideal partner,
ideal car, ideal friends, ideal interests, ideal standards,
how can you cherish the little things?
when you're taught to always believe more is good,
to chase after never-ending wants til death succumbs..

kids they're okay with just the needs.
i want to be a kid.

want to believe the world is mine again.

three's a crowd, third time's a charm.

2010-03-28T00:33:00.000-07:00

it usually starts with an explosion of anger. swelling as the blood rushes to your head. immediately you feel the urge to break things, going beyond control and abusing the normal. revenge, unlike jealousy is not a green monster. green is too peaceful. too calm. too.. eco-friendly.

revenge is by any means at least blood red, almost black.

you thought, you will never be able to forget this. never shall the body rest before harm is done, a mangled body somewhere in a ditch. yours or the said person's. satisfaction comes in features words cannot describe.

if yours is a condition beyond repair, wrist slitting is somewhat probable.
but if yours is in the intermediate zone, a mangled body image is the only thing you wish for.

at first.

later a transformation of thought. future plays an important role, you see. imagine being out of the mind successful and later coming back to show these creatures what you are made of. what they thought you could never be. wouldn't then all these sickly things be a joke to you? more than what they are now?

to have that sort of power and control, what a beautiful thing. i say revenge can be done and absolutely must be done in such a way.

remember, your ideals : not mine

Dear Tree.

2010-03-13T09:57:00.000-08:00

I lied to you. I said i was going to bed. 6 months feels like an eternity in a roller-coaster going at maximum speed. the anticipation while going up the trails and the sudden plunges tying your stomachs into knots are events of such time. shall i remind you this being the closest i have ever gotten to a love letter, and me being an egomaniac that you know i am, i shall tell you this with as little explanation i can give.

be it the dizzying nauseous effect or the thrill of adrenaline pumping,
i will tie my stomach in knots again and again, without a doubt,
without a regret in mind.

apa gunanya? (what's the use?)

2010-03-10T08:34:00.000-08:00

hari ni memang menarik. walaupun tarikan tu melibatkan kelas english yang tak ada efek ke atas masa sekarang hadapan atau lampau, tapi tetap menarik. paling goodings ialah operation bringing down the mamak. mainly sebab kami memang perlu reason untuk benci kelas tu. dan sister tersebut telah berjaya menyemai benci di dasar hati kami.. tak ada kata-kata cinta buat sister mamak overload bling-bling.

terus terang ini bukan masa yang gemilang. kadang-kadang bangun pagi rasa sedih sebab wish untuk bangun sebagai binatang yang dijamin tempat di syurga tak dikurniakan. kadang-kadang rasa macam nak upah orang untuk tolong exercise pagi-pagi sambil tuan badan tengok tv rancangan memasak (703&707).

yang selalunya macam dah tak ada inspirasi bak kata seseorang. kena dengar sendiri baru terhantuk dekat kepala yang "eh, memang. dah tak ada inspirasi, jiwa betul-betul kosong". rasa macam tengah duduk sambil control badan merata-rata guna remote control/joystick. yang betulnya denial asyik membutakan mata sendiri. "tak, tak, tak, kau ok..." orang-orang tua cakap ni hasutan setan. tapi old timers ni taktau setan takyah pasang assistant kat aku. sebab aku pun..

aku betul-betul harap aku tak kerja fotostat dan cop-cop barang dalam masa terdekat. yang peliknya boleh imagine situasi tu. tangan sepantas kilat mengecop dan menekan punat mesin, muka stoned tak ada perasaan. panggilan customer diignore secara hensem. sungguh asli imej tu. aku suka. tapi tak mau.

dah hampir 5 tahun, untuk summarize institusi yang aku menuntut selama ni, nikmati syair dibawah:

1. it may all be crap, but at least you're not forced to believe it
2. it may all be a mistake, but at least you can move on
3. it may all be gone in a second, but at least you knew them

yang jahat yang baik aku terima. segala dari aku tolong luluskan. sebab mungkin kita takkan berjumpa lagi selepas graduasi. sebab aku mungkin kerja jadi kakak kaunter di pejabat pos while kamu semua kerja tinggi-tinggi. ok nak pergi emo bye. lari lari lari

out of the world

2010-02-25T21:00:00.000-08:00

somehow or the other i ended up in this place. strange place with the least amount of air, almost choking. like a desert on a different planet and the skies painted dark blue. no lifeforms here, immediately one is assured of that.

my empty sight confirms such belief,
along with the loneliness in my heart.

strange.

2010-02-23T09:08:00.000-08:00

i have this recurring dream. and this itself is already out of place. it used to be dreams were quite impossible to remember no matter how hard i try.

the first part of it mainly involves me living on my own. and this neighbour and his girlfriend seem oddly familiar, to the point that it disturbs me when i am awake. in the scene, the couple walk past by while i was heading out. it is the weirdest thing because it is the most normal thing on earth, as they walk by the scene felt like it stopped but didn't exactly. as if i am staring at them for hours on and they at me. still i could not recognize who they were.

the second part starts with me and a few friends at a coffee shop talking and laughing. while doing so, a beautiful girl walks by. she stopped very suddenly when our eyes locked. like she was caught red-handed. and she stammered a 'hi' in a loud voice. (is that even possible?) i replied an enthusiastic 'hi!' back confidently to cover the fact that i don't know who she is. and the silence that came afterwards were the same as before. for hours on end, staring at each other like you knew this person somewhere. struggled to remember. the memory the memory something anything nothing? the guilt of not recognizing were unbearable. but she seemed sad. like she was projecting back memories from before.

i wonder if my soul actually lives it's own life when i am asleep.

shred this.

2010-02-03T08:28:00.000-08:00

someone did a palm reading on my hand. number of children and whether you end up rich or poor. either way, i will go through a challenging life. what i am told and what i cant decide to believe or toss into the mental shredder.

i must say i have never gone through the worst of the worst but i have not seen the glory either.

stagnant leaves you with sleepless nights. it does so true.

dreams of letting the old man drive his favourite car, building the kitchen she always wanted. visions of visiting them at their country house where they wont have to lift a single finger to do anything.

buy them their illusions, buy them my illusions. make everyone happy.

and still die miserably, says good old palm reading.

fun stuff.

doomed.

2010-01-25T00:36:00.000-08:00

dirt staining my dress. i'm thinking while laying low behind the sofa, shouldn't have splurge on it, should've just bought some shorts and a t-shirt with some stupid statement. like 'i know you're watching me' stamped over the boobs area. dress wasn't necessary, never in this condition when you're about to be slashed open by a monster. those rapid footsteps i can hear it coming closer and closer. for a person so heavy it's quite a wonder how this thing can move so fast isn't it. maybe it's the protein, maybe it's the slapping his father gave while he was a sick little kid.

maybe it's the thrill of holding a bigass chopper. i dont know.

might as well enjoy the stay while it lasts. the dark room is filled with family potraits, of different families. on the shelves, on the wall, above the fireplace, photo albums scattered everywhere. scary shit or what? must be a dude deprived so much of love, later on decides to get the bond by killing families, preserve them and put them up around the house.

which explains the mannequins. i guess they're not.

i so need to sanitize.

ilusi.

2010-01-10T10:49:00.000-08:00

indra.
sudah lama tidak bersua.
perlu aku menanya khabar,
dari yang terusan resah.

yang terhentak ini
yang menekan mata
ketika malam sunyi
bukan ilusi.

dari imaginasi yang berputar,
ulangi setiap langkah yang
aku takuti, aku ragui.

untuk indra.

berhenti menangis.
ingin sekali bawa kau jauh dari sudut ini
bawa kau menangis jauh dari sudut ini.

driving lesson #1

2009-12-28T02:21:00.000-08:00

traditions. im sick of them. what your mom tells you about old sayings, a waste of brain space that's how fond i think of it.

i dont believe in fate. sometimes i think, i do. but most times i'll end up believing its the works of my own hands. like you know, steering. on survival instincts we drive to our destination of choice. and aligned to malaysia's bumpy road we can connect that to our own lives where we fall into endless potholes. leaving behind scars that will, well, scar you for life. end of the day its always up to you. how you manage the whole drama/potholes.

do you burst out in anger? do you cry in a corner? do you call for help? do you calmly rationalize? its not fate. its never fate.

its you.

because a decision will lead to action then to result and the result depends on the action which depended on the decision.

and the result will lead to another situation leading to another need of a decision.

do you whine? then continue?
or do you believe in yourself and continue?

because i think, if you believe in fate,

you most probably will whine.

i have no tolerance of free-riders. on the road i imagine them as the person who is in the passenger seat of a really nice car, pretending to own the car. looks at you with chow kit shades on smirking like,

"hey look at me and ha-ha look at you"

when in reality these people haven't got a clue what their life is about, bums around in a bubble pretending everything's A-OK and believe religiously the world revolves around them. it boils down to the feeling of responsibility really, and treating other people nicely if they deserve it. but if they didnt pass that, i wonder how far along until they get a ticket. or how many already they've collected.

but what can i say? just one of the potholes in life.

you either brace yourself or swerve to the right hoping you wont be roadkill because of some idiot.

fill in the blanks.

2009-12-20T10:29:00.000-08:00

your idea of p__________.

i wonder if mine is anything like this.

your view on b______.

shatters my mirror.

your wonderful i________.

sends me a postcard in reality.

your ways, your ways, your ways.

keeps me h_____.
keeps me s_____.
keeps me a_____.

when i am f__,

indulge in this.

i know you are but what am i

2009-12-14T23:03:00.000-08:00

an empty song doesn't necessarily mean so. a challenge more, diving into memories, emotions entangled through years. sweeping away the dust to open up long forgotten chests. connecting it to the melody. amidst flashes of incidents, familiar places, faces you miss.

like the sounds at the airport on the last day.

like the breeze from a beautiful park on a beautiful day.

home-made food, reluctant to return home.

like the experience of explaining your eyes. i have yet to succeed.

or the pain of hesitation, untrue that i have no regrets for it.

taken for granted until really you find the empty song that matches your will to open those chests again. we cry for the past then emerge stronger because that is all we can ever do.

that is all i can ever do.
to remember the sounds, the breeze, the eyes, the pain.
to remember you.

I'm, I'm Sky-High

2009-12-12T10:16:00.000-08:00

distraction, the art of it. clearly i am the master of an undecided super sub-category. a pro when it comes to dodging, avoiding and procrastinating. old news. i shall refuse nonetheless to be placed at the level of weaklings as i am not one, you see. the close proximity undoubtedly will deprive me of my clean air. or at the very least, deprive me of my imagination of clean air.

justifications. they are abundant. plentiful, if you dont get the former. words are merely words and there are no rules strong enough to prevent formations, in the head, or whispered slowly. there will always be loop holes to work with or around either way up and down. twisting and turning to suit whichever best, to win the situation, to stand up for pride. what others see as, well honestly, justifications if they are less judgmental. or excuses if they are straight up direct and don't really think much of you. i like that in a person, really. daunting. i get nauseated by clear-cut individuals who are really in-duh-viduals. most of the time i bear with it and tend to observe though.

dont we have to agree, it all comes down to one thing that really does count in the end.

willingness.

the courage to burst your own bubble once in a while,

amidst bursting others'. because, let's admit this, it's just as vital.

to make us feel better about ourselves, that is.

now go ahead and have your justifications on a silver platter.
we'll have that for dinner.

nota.

2009-12-01T09:58:00.000-08:00

lampu ini sudah patut dimalapkan.
dan cermin yang benarnya harus dibiar bersendirian.
tali mengukir karya, meragut rasa yang pernah ada.
arca di jemari, kembali.

usia bagai infiniti tanpa penghujung
menelan setiap babak, satu persatu.
merentas ruang silam bagai tak percaya
pernah berlaku.

cukuplah arca.
ingin tinggal kau yang lama.
cukuplah cermin.
ingin kau lihat aku yang baru.
cukuplah lampu.
ingin merehatkan mata.
buat esok yang lebih indah karyanya.

out and about. well, sort of.

2009-11-30T09:18:00.000-08:00

refusal to go beyond the limit. typical. always fighting to retrieve the pros for peace of mind, to sleep at night. but there are other ways of course there are. i mean God won't put us through a burden we can't carry. so they say, however vague that is. should find out who said that, note to self that is. though i don't sincerely believe in it myself. (don't tell anyone)

sometimes all you need really is a clearer set of mind and a little bit of time. how else can you explain standing a person for 25 years? i don't get that. but i try to rationalize that because it's the most logical thing to do. still i can't help wondering if the idea will fail and swing 360, then openly accepted by society one day. i try to imagine. helps if you intend to push yourself further from the box. and from becoming the bubble headed/zombie beings on a daily basis.

not that i have anything against them. can't have a surplus of pessimists bumming around either, can we?

no we can't.

if anything, i believe in balance. most of the time the specific component is used as a base in my observations more than anything else. also useful if you're really angry and the pillow just doesn't cut it.

balance. o yes my friend.

powerful stuff, i kid you not.

and now, rest.

at the risk.

2009-11-25T19:53:00.000-08:00

it's true. they say you would do anything for the person you love. sounding as cheesy as possible at that, i have no reason to believe otherwise anyway. braincells they deplete intentionally by maganimous amounts as i grow, i need to use them wisely nowadays. on necessary things, you know. so many years, wasted on finding faults and you forget sometimes to look at your own. these dismissals immediate. quick and fast. good example is when you decide to stab someone. stab and go. later, pretend. get your groceries. do your laundry. get wasted. justify yourself.

whatever.

i don't believe i am here to preach. i have yet to convince myself and even if i have, your principles as crazy as they are i would still respect. be it involving aliens or the female womb. we are so fragile anyway, being dependent on a belief isn't so bad but still being independent of it doesn't mean the other way round. i mean, does it really matter?

does it really, really matter?

whatever.

handling a one-way relationship sure is tough though. at the very least get a webcam and cut us some slack here.

ha-ha.

i truly support the idea that some things are not worth worrying about. contrary to the actions of many people around the world. simplifying, generalizing, stereotyping just because you are born in a special race and able to do it. i feel sorry for them really, how ironic is that? you wish sometimes that leaders would just smoke up and talk about music once in a while.

like i said,

whatever.

implementing whatever.

would do the world wonders.

Tribute.

2009-11-11T23:26:00.000-08:00

I never meant when I felt it, while the raindrops slowly cross down your face, your lips. We were somewhere else, far from that junction we ran to, trying to escape nature. Our feet soaked to the bone on such a gloomy day, so unforgiving. And I wish you did all that you wish you would do. Those, they are not for you alone, it was for mine as well. Silent possessions you will never find out about. And you turn your hands away vanishing visble marks on your fingers almost never questioning, as I whisper no answer. Words they fail as emotions take over. Only eyes, like a string so fragile yet with every strength in the world. Stains on the road, all the way home.

What are you my dear,
You are forever,
that junction.

That junction that scrapes my heart,

Whenever it rains.

It is.

2009-11-08T01:29:00.000-08:00

Like millions of pictures flapping in slow-motion. The breeze washes over your face while you see yourself blink. And the twinkle in your eyes they are sincere this time, only here. It collects and re-collects, through the disbelief that you could almost hear it whirring, processing.

Like watching a movie with an awesome cameraman, that's what it is. Made even better with the perfect lighting that pulls you into a childhood memory. Riding a tricycle on beautiful day, your father chasing you in a funny manner. Round and round. Your brothers, rolling on the frontyard. And your mother, she is smiling.

It is the smell of pastries or chicken pie to be exact, it is the sound of laughter, and it is the secure hands of your father as he lifts you up into the air.

Like seeing the sort of colours and movements that connects. The inspiring beat and fashion inspiring others as well. Making it big in this world. Creating philosophies of life whether it's right or wrong. You found the ultimatum of all self-help theories mankind will cherish forever. The answer to war and power, poverty and status. Beg, you won't forget this even though at the back of your mind you knew it's unavoidable.

Still you wonder why you didn't think of it earlier on? Save yourself and the rest of the world some hopeless drama led by useless dictators. But it's normal. Because you're normal. Because you can't always be special.

-like us.

in out in out.

2009-11-03T08:39:00.001-08:00

1. the early edition guy should really start working globally now. seriously.

2. ping pong balls with a black dot on each will NEVER pass as eyeballs. even with tonnes of non-blood-looking gunk all over it.

3. nothing wrong with being a cactus, especially if you're prickly! prickle prickle!

4. Fresh Fact: the human's thigh bones are stronger than concrete. which sort of explains EVERYTHING.

and,

5. "Hey, I know a great way to burn off the calories from the pastries you just ate" or "Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?"

hahaha. think the latter is pretty cool.

..........................................

Ugarte: You are a very cynical person, Rick, if you forgive me for saying so.
Rick: I forgive you.

or

Yvonne: Where were you last night?
Rick: That's so long ago, I don't remember.
Yvonne: Will I see you tonight?
Rick: I never make plans that far ahead.

Former, yes?

3.30

2009-10-31T16:34:00.000-07:00

boneka, 3.30 dan dikira.
ingin tempat di dunia,
di antara,
wajah tak dikenali.

denyutan tanpa henti,
melawan arus rentak hati.
mahu tahu siapa,
yang tewas setia setiap kali.

boneka, 3.30 dan dikira,
masih tetap yang sama.

doris, doris.

2009-10-20T08:45:00.000-07:00

the persistent urge to look for tiny microscopic bad points and then blow them up to unnecessary scales. wonder if it can be traced back to the very core of human genes where mom and pop and ancestors can be blamed for it, like everything else that is going wrong in your life.

'lactose-intolerant, got it from me mumsie'

'hardcore free-rider, complimentary of Uncle Tony'

'narrow eyes + huge nose, blame Second Granma Hilda for that'

'bigass ugly feet and a love for stomping all over people, Great, Great, Greaaaattt Granpa BABEMBE!'

since everything started off from the Africans, we can blame them for eveerrrything. woohoo.

on a different note i will venture into the lands of diy-ness very very soon (read: procrastinator giving her word) due to inspirations from uhm well, inspirational stuff. these days i am seeing ideas from all angles but fail to do anything beyond my comfort zone. i got malay bones! *blame blame blame*

also, the worrying thoughts of final exams. sighhh.

for the mean time, a short escape with tortoise to avoid avoid avoid.

.....

doris: sing it, lafferty

lafferty: now?

doris: now, we only have now.

2009-10-18T09:44:00.000-07:00

positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity, positivity.

kaya kaya.

2009-10-13T19:54:00.000-07:00

rupanya. makcik cleaner di sini ada side income.
joint venture bersama makcik gardener.
tanam pokok cili. kemudian jual bersama-sama.
aku rasa, makciks lagi kaya dari aku.

mungkin aku patut mula tanam cili.
atau, bela arnab banyak-banyak.